Growing Up So White and Nerdy

I was reading a blog that I follow, and that, paired with the recent attention of the bullying video, it got me thinking back to my childhood - growing up and going through grade school.

There are a few moments that I remember crystal clear, as if I was able to think of them and then project them on the side of the building for the world to see.

As the blog I was reading touched on was the fact that a couple of her friend groups "broke up" with her. I remember back to I think it must have been fourth or fifth grade, but there was this one girl, Claire. We became friends, had some things in common, and had hung out a couple times after school and I even spent the night at her house one time. Well, as the story goes, my mom noticed an "unpleasant change" in the way I was acting at home and she told me that I should not be hanging out with Claire anymore. The next day at recess, I had to "break-up" with her. How do you do that and not look and feel like a complete a-hole?! I tried as nice as I could to tell her that we could not hang out anymore, but she just didn't seem to get it. Then I had to pull out the big guns - "Claire, we can't be friends anymore." Then I pretty much walked away to the other side of the playground. I felt awful because she seriously looked like I had run over her dalmatian (which she actually had and that I thought was so cool!).

A few years before that, my mom came in to school to give a small presentation to my classmates about diabetes and to discuss that I had it. I didn't know it at the time, but this would prevent me from having friends for the next few years. Thanks for the childhood trauma mom... After the presentation, it was time for recess. The kids whom I normally played with were nowhere to be found. When I did find them - on top of the monkey bars, they said that they did not want to play with me anymore because they didn't want to catch diabetes. I was mad and heartbroken in the same instant. Thus began my long-term stint as "the loner." I started walking around by myself during recess, which led me to then walking with the playground Para. She was one of the nicest ladies I had ever met - still to this day it holds true. After a few weeks of walking around the playground with her, I decided to just hang out on the blacktop square close to the doors where we would line up and get let back inside, I mean, what was the point of walking around pretty much by yourself? As I hung out on the blacktop, I watched a few of my grademates playing basketball. One of the tallest kids in our class, Tyler, and his friend, Rob. I often just watched in silence, but then sometimes got brave and said some things to them - or, heaven forbid, have to throw the basketball back to them if it bounded in my direction. I think they just tolerated me, which I appreciated.  But then, I began talking with them more and more and still even talk with Rob occasionally. Funny how some things can stay connected through so long!

A little while after this loner phase, I became closer friends with Gina and Stacey. They were so different from the kids that I usually hung out with. The three of us usually hung out in the cable ride pit looking through the rocks for agates. I remember coming home from school one afternoon and my mom took one look at my matching pink pants and t-shirt and asked, "What were you doing today?! Your pants are SO dirty!" I just laughed and told her about my new found friends and our "treasures" we found in the rock pit. It was Gina and Stacey who made me drum up the courage to ride the cable ride for the first time. I was not anything close to a risk-taker when I was young. Nope. Not a bit. Gina and Stacey also influenced my wardrobe. They wore what was deemed the "skater" clothes - a solid black zip-up hooded sweatshirt, and the big, skater shoes.

Fast Forward to Junior High School. This was my true run-in with a bully of my own. It was in art class - funny how a class and subject that I love so much could be tainted by such an evil person. His name was Greg. He sat at our table of four people. There was me, Greg on my right, Russ (a very popular boy) across from me, and another girl next to him. Greg said mean things to me every day in class. It became a dread to me to go into that class, and I would pray that he would not be in class each day. No such luck. He was there. Every day. There was one day that was the absolute worst day. I am not sure what exactly was different about this day of all days, but we were working on a project and he said some mean things to me. I remember him telling me that I looked like a Cabbage Patch Doll and had a really big head and a stupid haircut (which now, you're just like, really? That wasn't so bad) and there were other things said too. The different thing about this day is that he did not stop. He kept going on and on and on and on and it really got to me. I almost started crying, when Russ, who had been silent up until this moment, spoke up for me and told Greg to leave me alone. Greg stopped talking for the rest of the hour, and looked over at me, I think he realized a little of the impact his words had hurt me. But, he smirked anyway. I remember talking about it to a couple friends and I think even my mom. My friends said that he was just a huge jerk and to not listen to him. My mom, on the other hand, was convinced that he was treating me so meanly because he really liked me (hmm, didn't fall for that one mom!) Anyway, I had been so relieved that Russ had stood up to him and said something, that I wanted to thank him after class, but I was so embarrassed, and how could I talk to a "cool" kid? I think I tried and tried over the next few years - into high school and after - to thank him and to let him know that he had made a difference. Now I can't remember if I ever went through with it or not. I might have to see if I can find out if I did or not. I really would like to say something some time because I think those are the types of things that need to be said.

Okay, so there you have a long account of things that happened to me as a kid - a loner, a nerd, and bullied by a mean boy. I have been through some things, but of course, as the cheesy line goes, All of what has happened in the past has helped shape who I am today. True that cheesy phrase, true that.

-L